I've spent the last 4 days thinking about a dear friend that I miss dearly. He was the unfortunate victim of a stabbing and died violently. There's not a day that I don't think about him and wonder what his life would have been like if he had chosen a different path. He was so angry. Down on his luck but still an all around bad-ass. (or at least that what he wanted me to believe) When I think about him I almost completely shut down I don't cry anymore but a little piece of me isn't coming back. I was never more motivated to get things done when he was around. He pushed me to be better. But now I feel worse.
I miss you...
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Crossroads
Eh! I'm doing it again! I'm at a crossroads and have no idea what to do. I always imagine my life would turn out a certain way. Then here I come changing my mind again. No wonder no one ever believes me when I announce a possible change. I just can't seem to make up my mind. Trying to accomplish so many things at once has inhibited me from getting anywhere. The easy solution would be just to pick one and never look back but unfortunately my mind doesn't work that way. I'll start to wonder about those other paths I chose not to take and if they were any better. I really suck at making decisions.
Now, it took me a few days but today I decided to do get off my ass and get a bit organized. I have all these product samples laying around. So I went ahead and got all of them together, put them in pretty packaging, and now some of them are ready for networking!!! I had the perfect opportunity to network today and I didn't take it. It was like I was standing outside my body watching myself not talk to this really nice lady about what I do! REALLY AMBAR! I looks like I'm one of those people that lets life pass her by.
I'm not sure if I'm any closer to my goal....
Still at $100
Now, it took me a few days but today I decided to do get off my ass and get a bit organized. I have all these product samples laying around. So I went ahead and got all of them together, put them in pretty packaging, and now some of them are ready for networking!!! I had the perfect opportunity to network today and I didn't take it. It was like I was standing outside my body watching myself not talk to this really nice lady about what I do! REALLY AMBAR! I looks like I'm one of those people that lets life pass her by.
I'm not sure if I'm any closer to my goal....
Still at $100
Monday, January 16, 2012
Waiting
I sucked it up and went through some old customer profiles. I sent out 7 messages hoping to hear something back and nothing. I was told that for every 5 people contacted 1 would answer. What a load of shit! I would have even been ok with a 'no' response so I can try to get some referrals but I guess that's just asking for too much. It's like I'm in social Siberia. Emails, phone calls, and texts have all gone unanswered. What the fuck! Really!?! Don't come to me when you realize 'Oh yeah! I still have Ambar!' One, that's fucked up. Two, go find someone else to listen to how bad things are. I'm either in your life or out of it. You can't just use me whenever you feel like it! I thought I purged myself of all the user idiots out there but I guess I was wrong. Is it too much to ask for acknowledgement? How about, I got your message...sorry I've been busy but will get back to you ASAP. If you have 5 minutes to take a shit then you should have 2 seconds to respond to a text. Well, I guess I'm just not important enough on the totem pole of lame ass crap you have going on in your life. Thanks...thanks for nothing...
On the bright side...I did get a response back from an email I sent out 6 days ago! It's not much but at least I may have an opportunity to work with a clothing designer! How exciting! Her work is pretty amazing and I can't wait to get the opportunity to work with her! Who knows what comes of it! I really just hope that I get to expand my portfolio and maybe get paid. It would also help if I got a chance to hold at least 3 skincare classes a week. Doing that would allow me to make at least $400 in sales! That's between $160-$200 in my pocket! Who wouldn't love that? Maybe tomorrow I'll meet someone or get a response back and just like that I'm booked for the next 2 weeks! Here's hoping! I know it can happen, it's happened before. What's changed now?
Either way, I still have 2 photoshoots that I need to do. My first model got sick and overcast messed up my 2nd shoot. I really need to get these done!
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!
$100....
On the bright side...I did get a response back from an email I sent out 6 days ago! It's not much but at least I may have an opportunity to work with a clothing designer! How exciting! Her work is pretty amazing and I can't wait to get the opportunity to work with her! Who knows what comes of it! I really just hope that I get to expand my portfolio and maybe get paid. It would also help if I got a chance to hold at least 3 skincare classes a week. Doing that would allow me to make at least $400 in sales! That's between $160-$200 in my pocket! Who wouldn't love that? Maybe tomorrow I'll meet someone or get a response back and just like that I'm booked for the next 2 weeks! Here's hoping! I know it can happen, it's happened before. What's changed now?
Either way, I still have 2 photoshoots that I need to do. My first model got sick and overcast messed up my 2nd shoot. I really need to get these done!
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!
$100....
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Filter
I feel like I've had a filter in front of my face for the last 2 days. Everything looks so fuzzy and I keep seeing two of everything. One would think that I've had a 48 hour bender but no. Friday started out with a doctor's appointment, followed by taking my mom to work, a haircut, then getting called in to work early. I wouldn't have gone if I didn't already have to be there later that evening. Of course within the first hour there was a bit of bullshit. This idiot bartender thought he could once again pull a fast one. This time my boss was partially on my side so it allowed me to do my job. Who the hell does he think he is? I'm not sure if he knows this but you can't do my job and yours at the same time. You don't have super powers and if your that strapped for cash then get another fucking job and stop trying to take my money!!! The evening quickly ended after the only party I had left and an old friend walked through the door. Grievances and concerns were shared and then back to pretending like it never happened. I remember when a text would be answered in a matter of minutes and now they are seldom returned. I think it's time I surround myself with people that are capable of communicating in real time.
Saturday was filled with less questions and more answers. My dad finally figured out why he smokes so much! He has idle time. I suggested looking for a new hobby but he gave me a look so instead I asked him for a ride to the sprint store to get my phone back on track. I was sent a text message from June 4, 2018. Unfortunately, I didn't get a message from the future telling me how my life is. I wonder if I'm still broke? I do know, I got the night off so I headed to my watering hole and was bored out of my mind! 1 hour, 2 beers, and no interesting conversations lead to me back at home with a plate of my sister's cooking. It was good! Then off to bed!
I was supposed to have a photoshoot today! But overcast got in the way...yet again. If I had money, I would have had an awesome lighting system that wouldn't require me to use natural lighting. But I don't so I'm stuck. I live in one of the sunniest places and of course on the day I choose to do some work I get stuck on the couch watching 'A Haunting' with my sister until the Golden Globes started.
Now, I'm in my room trying to reacquaint myself with some education that I shouldn't have forgotten. I still have so much to learn and feel like I have no time. Inside, I'm in a rush wanting to get to my destination but on the outside I'm stuck. My feet are planted in the ground and I can't move. I desperately want to move but I'm frozen. How do I get my feet up and moving? How do I get out of my own way? I'm having such a hard time letting go of the fear.
I'm still broke...$100...$21,900 to go
Saturday was filled with less questions and more answers. My dad finally figured out why he smokes so much! He has idle time. I suggested looking for a new hobby but he gave me a look so instead I asked him for a ride to the sprint store to get my phone back on track. I was sent a text message from June 4, 2018. Unfortunately, I didn't get a message from the future telling me how my life is. I wonder if I'm still broke? I do know, I got the night off so I headed to my watering hole and was bored out of my mind! 1 hour, 2 beers, and no interesting conversations lead to me back at home with a plate of my sister's cooking. It was good! Then off to bed!
I was supposed to have a photoshoot today! But overcast got in the way...yet again. If I had money, I would have had an awesome lighting system that wouldn't require me to use natural lighting. But I don't so I'm stuck. I live in one of the sunniest places and of course on the day I choose to do some work I get stuck on the couch watching 'A Haunting' with my sister until the Golden Globes started.
Now, I'm in my room trying to reacquaint myself with some education that I shouldn't have forgotten. I still have so much to learn and feel like I have no time. Inside, I'm in a rush wanting to get to my destination but on the outside I'm stuck. My feet are planted in the ground and I can't move. I desperately want to move but I'm frozen. How do I get my feet up and moving? How do I get out of my own way? I'm having such a hard time letting go of the fear.
I'm still broke...$100...$21,900 to go
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Cold
Well, it was too cold for the photoshoot to take place today. Maybe next week...maybe never...I have no idea whats going to happen next. What I do know is I have a tentative shoot on Sunday so here's hoping!
I'm so full right now, I can hardly think, and today is the coldest I've been in well over a year.
I'm going to get warm and get to bed. I don't even care if its early.
Goodnight.
Still...$100
I'm so full right now, I can hardly think, and today is the coldest I've been in well over a year.
I'm going to get warm and get to bed. I don't even care if its early.
Goodnight.
Still...$100
Exhausted
I thought I didn't have to go into work today, but I'm glad I did. I don't get to go in tomorrow but I made more tonight than I made in 2 days last week. I bet if I worked tomorrow I would have made even more! Oh well!
My photoshoot had to be reschedule for tomorrow. I just hope the cold front coming in doesn't mess it up. There's this really nice wall full of graffiti and if it's too cold my model won't want to work.
Other than that, I've got one order of lipstick to fill and more leads to find. My motivational CDs are certainly helping! I just need to get over my fear (easier said than done)! I'm wearing my pin though...it can be a helpful icebreaker right?
Ugh! I'm so exhausted! My back gave out at work and now I can't seem to get up from my couch! I'm gonna take some motrin and tylenol and get some sleep.
Goodnight!
Still $100...
My photoshoot had to be reschedule for tomorrow. I just hope the cold front coming in doesn't mess it up. There's this really nice wall full of graffiti and if it's too cold my model won't want to work.
Other than that, I've got one order of lipstick to fill and more leads to find. My motivational CDs are certainly helping! I just need to get over my fear (easier said than done)! I'm wearing my pin though...it can be a helpful icebreaker right?
Ugh! I'm so exhausted! My back gave out at work and now I can't seem to get up from my couch! I'm gonna take some motrin and tylenol and get some sleep.
Goodnight!
Still $100...
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Progress
It feels great to inch my way up a bit. I communicated with many people today and even though I'm waiting for responses it still feels good.
One response has lead to having a photoshoot tomorrow! I'm so excited! I have all these ideas and I can't decide which one to do. All I know is this is going to be another chance to get more practice and have a bigger portfolio!
I also might have another photoshoot on Sunday! A girl I met at work is doing me a huge favor by helping me out! Even though I'm not getting paid yet I know having an impressive website is going to help me achieve my goals!
Now, I know I've been wishy washy about my future for as long as I can remember but I'm tired of being asked if I'm sure this is what I want to do. I understand that I suck at making decisions but everytime I try something new I always seem to come back to this. I never stopped loving what I do and just because I haven't made a zillion dollars doing it doesn't mean that it won't pay off eventually. I have a string of odd jobs to help me pay my bills. Start worrying about me when I hit you up for money! Until then...just stand back and give me moral support. If you cant well...don't let the door hit you on the way out!
Besides proving myself to everyone including myself...I've had a pretty productive day. I'm getting supplies ready and equipment set up. Also, had time for an oil change! Whew!
Emails have been sent, phone calls have been made and now I just need more leads! It's time to get off my ass and meet new people! I can't get a 'yes' if I never ask! So, wish me luck!
Tomorrow's going to be fun!
Still...$100 :(
One response has lead to having a photoshoot tomorrow! I'm so excited! I have all these ideas and I can't decide which one to do. All I know is this is going to be another chance to get more practice and have a bigger portfolio!
I also might have another photoshoot on Sunday! A girl I met at work is doing me a huge favor by helping me out! Even though I'm not getting paid yet I know having an impressive website is going to help me achieve my goals!
Now, I know I've been wishy washy about my future for as long as I can remember but I'm tired of being asked if I'm sure this is what I want to do. I understand that I suck at making decisions but everytime I try something new I always seem to come back to this. I never stopped loving what I do and just because I haven't made a zillion dollars doing it doesn't mean that it won't pay off eventually. I have a string of odd jobs to help me pay my bills. Start worrying about me when I hit you up for money! Until then...just stand back and give me moral support. If you cant well...don't let the door hit you on the way out!
Besides proving myself to everyone including myself...I've had a pretty productive day. I'm getting supplies ready and equipment set up. Also, had time for an oil change! Whew!
Emails have been sent, phone calls have been made and now I just need more leads! It's time to get off my ass and meet new people! I can't get a 'yes' if I never ask! So, wish me luck!
Tomorrow's going to be fun!
Still...$100 :(
Monday, January 9, 2012
Uncomfortable
I've been so uncomfortable for the past few days. I've had on going issues with my stomach and its slowly starting to feel better.
Unfortunately, I haven't been able to work so not much is getting done on the money saving end. On the bright side...I've been doing a lot of reading and improving my education so I can be ready for anything!
I got up today and ran a few errands. It was really good to get me out of the house but, I didn't talk to anyone or promote myself. I did manage to put some make-up on and look somewhat presentable. I know I should've tried talking to people but I'm really scared of failing so I just kept to myself.
There I go...getting in my own way again. What's the worse that can happen? Someone say 'NO'? I should realize I can only win, but I feel like I'm losing every time I approach someone. I don't want to come off as pushy or aggressive but if I never take a chance I won't make any money either.
I used to be one of those people that never cared what anyone thought. Only thing is...I'm in the people business. If someone doesn't like what I have to sell...should I care? Or just move on?
Obviously, lost of questions came about these last few days....If only I knew what to do.
What should I do?
Total is still $100.... I'm going to need some help.
Unfortunately, I haven't been able to work so not much is getting done on the money saving end. On the bright side...I've been doing a lot of reading and improving my education so I can be ready for anything!
I got up today and ran a few errands. It was really good to get me out of the house but, I didn't talk to anyone or promote myself. I did manage to put some make-up on and look somewhat presentable. I know I should've tried talking to people but I'm really scared of failing so I just kept to myself.
There I go...getting in my own way again. What's the worse that can happen? Someone say 'NO'? I should realize I can only win, but I feel like I'm losing every time I approach someone. I don't want to come off as pushy or aggressive but if I never take a chance I won't make any money either.
I used to be one of those people that never cared what anyone thought. Only thing is...I'm in the people business. If someone doesn't like what I have to sell...should I care? Or just move on?
Obviously, lost of questions came about these last few days....If only I knew what to do.
What should I do?
Total is still $100.... I'm going to need some help.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Its almost up and running!
I spent the whole day working on my new website! I can't say that I made any money but I can say I feel pretty great about working it out. I'm excited about buying my own domain and getting new business cards made. I'm really hoping this helps boost business!
I found another photo to retouch and as great as that was I know I still need more photos. I'm thinking about making another model mayhem page or possibly getting some help from Craigslist. I can't decide what's better...getting help from strangers or people I know? What do you think? Either way, it has to get done.
I also realized that I not only need help with time management but have even more trouble with organization. I have all these little pieces of paper laying around. I can't even remember why I saved them or understand the information on them. Every phone number received tossed away when I know it was a possible lead on another project. Oh dear Lord...What's my problem!?!
I need a plan... a 100% get off my ass and do something plan. But where do I start?
Well tomorrow is another day!
Still...$100
I found another photo to retouch and as great as that was I know I still need more photos. I'm thinking about making another model mayhem page or possibly getting some help from Craigslist. I can't decide what's better...getting help from strangers or people I know? What do you think? Either way, it has to get done.
I also realized that I not only need help with time management but have even more trouble with organization. I have all these little pieces of paper laying around. I can't even remember why I saved them or understand the information on them. Every phone number received tossed away when I know it was a possible lead on another project. Oh dear Lord...What's my problem!?!
I need a plan... a 100% get off my ass and do something plan. But where do I start?
Well tomorrow is another day!
Still...$100
Thursday, January 5, 2012
I SUCK at time management!
I spent today watching motivational videos and editing photos. I'm in such a rush to get my website up and running. I continue looking through every photo because maybe I missed one and then I realize that I should just get more models. It takes me about 2 hours to get hair and makeup just right. The photo shoots only takes a few minutes. All that work for just a few minutes it sometimes doesn't seem worth it. But then I see the final product and... it was so worth it!
What I should have done is leave the house. I was supposed to go to the bank then go with the flow, instead I stayed home. What a missed opportunity to make money. See even I know that I could have made something of today. What's my problem exactly? Why is that when I have a million things to do I try to fit everything else into my day? Then when I have the time off...I do nothing! I have such a hard time getting my priorities straight and basically getting started.
On the bright side, I sent out as many emails as I could asking my former clients if there's anything I can do for them. Only one answered with a "not right now but I'll call you if I do" and everyone else I guess is ignoring me. I don't know about anyone else but I would love it if someone offered me a beauty makeover with a photo shoot! What does anyone have to lose?
I'm a firm believer that I'm way ahead of my time. I love the art of transforming someones face. Make you look like you never thought you could. The problem is...most don't think outside the box and are scared of change.
But what if the change I show you can be easier, faster, and beautiful?
Any thoughts?
Current Goal Total: Still $100...
What I should have done is leave the house. I was supposed to go to the bank then go with the flow, instead I stayed home. What a missed opportunity to make money. See even I know that I could have made something of today. What's my problem exactly? Why is that when I have a million things to do I try to fit everything else into my day? Then when I have the time off...I do nothing! I have such a hard time getting my priorities straight and basically getting started.
On the bright side, I sent out as many emails as I could asking my former clients if there's anything I can do for them. Only one answered with a "not right now but I'll call you if I do" and everyone else I guess is ignoring me. I don't know about anyone else but I would love it if someone offered me a beauty makeover with a photo shoot! What does anyone have to lose?
I'm a firm believer that I'm way ahead of my time. I love the art of transforming someones face. Make you look like you never thought you could. The problem is...most don't think outside the box and are scared of change.
But what if the change I show you can be easier, faster, and beautiful?
Any thoughts?
Current Goal Total: Still $100...
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Motivational CD
I'm feeling loads better today! Work ran smoothly and I even managed to make a few dollars!
I'm starting to feel like I can do anything as long as I keep a positive attitude. (much easier said than done) I know it sounds corny but I started listening to a motivational CD during my drive today. I'm not quite 100% but I'm sure to get there. I forgot what it was to put positive affirmation out into the world and have it come back. I miss that feeling you get when the phone rings and (BAM!) I have a job! I used to get a rush out of being a beauty consultant, the happiness on faces when they realize their faces look and feel great. Oh, the money I made! I remember in 2 days I walked away with over $1000 in retail sales. If I could just have that every week! I guess I've just figured out what my new goal should be.
I've worked a plan out for my new website! I have a few edited photos and I still need to do more but it's certainly coming along. Not only am I doing beauty portraits but I'm also retaking photos of a portfolio I made 10 years ago. I'm really hoping it turns out well! Other than that, I'm doing a lot of networking at work, passing out my cards, and just trying to stay accessible. I really hope to hear back from them soon. Good news, two people have already agreed to help me build my portfolio! I'm so excited!
Well, tomorrow is my day off so I'm hoping to get much more work done!
Current Goal Total: $100
I'm starting to feel like I can do anything as long as I keep a positive attitude. (much easier said than done) I know it sounds corny but I started listening to a motivational CD during my drive today. I'm not quite 100% but I'm sure to get there. I forgot what it was to put positive affirmation out into the world and have it come back. I miss that feeling you get when the phone rings and (BAM!) I have a job! I used to get a rush out of being a beauty consultant, the happiness on faces when they realize their faces look and feel great. Oh, the money I made! I remember in 2 days I walked away with over $1000 in retail sales. If I could just have that every week! I guess I've just figured out what my new goal should be.
I've worked a plan out for my new website! I have a few edited photos and I still need to do more but it's certainly coming along. Not only am I doing beauty portraits but I'm also retaking photos of a portfolio I made 10 years ago. I'm really hoping it turns out well! Other than that, I'm doing a lot of networking at work, passing out my cards, and just trying to stay accessible. I really hope to hear back from them soon. Good news, two people have already agreed to help me build my portfolio! I'm so excited!
Well, tomorrow is my day off so I'm hoping to get much more work done!
Current Goal Total: $100
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Speeding
I actually thought today was going to be very uneventful. Little did I know that on my way to work I'd be pulled over and given a speeding ticket... boy am I bummed. The police officer wasn't mean so it didn't make the experience completely horrible. I even managed to keep my comments to myself and go on my way.
Work was as usual a complete waste of time. I made just enough to fill up half my tank. It's to bad I'll use it up tomorrow just to get back to work. I have a sneaking suspicion that my IQ is dropping little by little everyday. Not to say that I'm the brightest crayon in the box but I'd like to keep whatever I can. Haha!
In the meantime, I managed to do more online job searches today. Resume on hand, I really like not having to hit the pavement to find work. I can get so much more done at home. Unfortunately, I'm still waiting to hear back from prospective employers. Good thing I don't mind the suspense.
I did decide how I'm going to use the money I make! Anything I get from work will solely go to my bills. Any money made as a photographer, makeup artist, and beauty consultant will go directly into my JAR! It's so nice to have a plan. Now, I just have to stick with it!
Current Goal Total: $100
Work was as usual a complete waste of time. I made just enough to fill up half my tank. It's to bad I'll use it up tomorrow just to get back to work. I have a sneaking suspicion that my IQ is dropping little by little everyday. Not to say that I'm the brightest crayon in the box but I'd like to keep whatever I can. Haha!
In the meantime, I managed to do more online job searches today. Resume on hand, I really like not having to hit the pavement to find work. I can get so much more done at home. Unfortunately, I'm still waiting to hear back from prospective employers. Good thing I don't mind the suspense.
I did decide how I'm going to use the money I make! Anything I get from work will solely go to my bills. Any money made as a photographer, makeup artist, and beauty consultant will go directly into my JAR! It's so nice to have a plan. Now, I just have to stick with it!
Current Goal Total: $100
Monday, January 2, 2012
I need MONEY!!!
It's only the second day of the year and as usual... I need money.
Besides the everyday expenditures like bills, I have a goal that is meeting a brick wall at every turn.
I'm trying to earn as much as I can to go to school. I need about 22K and I only have $100 in my glass jar. The 22K only covers tuition and fees so I'd still need another 20k for living expenses. I'm not sure how I'm going to get it but I've never felt so good about having a GOAL!
Now, I've been working at this restaurant for the last couple of months and I've basically been making enough money just to get to work and back. I'm sick of having to pay just to go to work! The whole point of me doing this specific job was to move into the bar-tending position that was allegedly open. Four new hires later and nothing! I wasn't even in the running! What the fuck do I look like!?! I fucking idiot! Well if it was so easy to get what you think to be an experienced bartender then I'm sure it'll be just as easy to find someone to fill my position. I'd rather be doing something constructive like continued education, instead of paying to work.
So as of right now, I'm currently looking for a full time job so I can put as much money in savings as I can. I've applied just about everywhere and now all I can do is wait. In the meantime, I really have to figure out how to make some extra money.
Any suggestions?
Besides my current job I'm also a working
- Professional Makeup artist
- Photographer
- Beauty consultant
We'll see what happens...
Current Goal Total: $100
Besides the everyday expenditures like bills, I have a goal that is meeting a brick wall at every turn.
I'm trying to earn as much as I can to go to school. I need about 22K and I only have $100 in my glass jar. The 22K only covers tuition and fees so I'd still need another 20k for living expenses. I'm not sure how I'm going to get it but I've never felt so good about having a GOAL!
Now, I've been working at this restaurant for the last couple of months and I've basically been making enough money just to get to work and back. I'm sick of having to pay just to go to work! The whole point of me doing this specific job was to move into the bar-tending position that was allegedly open. Four new hires later and nothing! I wasn't even in the running! What the fuck do I look like!?! I fucking idiot! Well if it was so easy to get what you think to be an experienced bartender then I'm sure it'll be just as easy to find someone to fill my position. I'd rather be doing something constructive like continued education, instead of paying to work.
So as of right now, I'm currently looking for a full time job so I can put as much money in savings as I can. I've applied just about everywhere and now all I can do is wait. In the meantime, I really have to figure out how to make some extra money.
Any suggestions?
Besides my current job I'm also a working
- Professional Makeup artist
- Photographer
- Beauty consultant
We'll see what happens...
Current Goal Total: $100
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